My Story of Guns

Over the past week or so, I have said a lot of things about firearms, and our social relationship to them. I believe it is pretty clear and obvious where I stand on the issue, though I have not gone to the lengths of laying out my personal policy hopes. I am not going to do that here, either. Before I could ever go to those lengths, I think I should tell you my story. At times, I have mentioned parts of it, I have teased that I was once on the other side of the conversation, but I have not given the full account of how I have arrived where I am.

It was not all that long ago that I owned firearms. While I grew up in a small town, and did some hunting, I was never much of the sportsman. I enjoy being outside, and I enjoy seeing and experiencing the wonder of God’s Creation while camping. I know how to hunt, and can do so when either I am invited or if I were forced to. However, it is not a passion where I choose to spend my time and finances. 

Because of that, most of the firearms I owned were handguns. I bought them because at that time I believed I needed them to protect myself. I internalized all the narratives of how police do not stop crime, but only show up after it has occurred; that if I were to find myself in a situation where someone wanted to take my life, I would be the only resource I had to defend it. I went and took the class, got the background check, submitted the fees, and received my concealed carry permit. I had all the gear I would need. I spent my money on a good holster and belt, carried a spare magazine, and focused my senses into “the combat mindset”

It was partially because of that mindset, however, that I finally decided to disarm myself. 

I found myself seeing the world through a set of lenses the did not match the Gospel.

For those who are unaware, the combat mindset is the most important part of being effective in armed self-defense. You can have a gun, and be a good shot, but if you don’t have your mind in the right place, you will be caught unawares, and unable to defend yourself. Or, so the philosophy goes. It is the mindset, more than any skill, that separates the sheep from the sheepdog in the eyes of concealed carry enthusiasts. It is a tool that can not be purchased, and requires constant attention.

The combat mindset is a set of conditions that one must interact with on a constant basis. It starts with the premise that active awareness is what separates people capable of effective defense from those who become victims of violence. The firearms writer and instructor, Jeff Cooper, adapted it from the United States Marine Corps, and applied it to everyday life. There are four stages denoted by colors, and if you want a full explanation, you can type the term into google where pages of results, including videos, will be presented to you. I would just like to focus on why I believe that mindset does not cohere to the Gospel.

When I lived by the mindset, getting my mind focused was part of my morning routine. In order to fully capture the idea that, “I might have to shoot someone today,” I had to meditate. It was not a natural state for me to walk though life like that. I am someone who loves people and finds great joy in meeting new people. It is one of the qualities that others notice in me, and it is one of the qualities that I like about myself.

I like being known as a friendly person.

When I lived by the mindset, I would not have described myself as a friendly person. It is not to say that I was angry or hateful, but I did not engage with people as freely as before or since I stopped carrying a gun. In the mindset, you are meant to see strangers in the world as possible aggressors, measuring up and assessing the possible threats constantly. Your inner monologue describes others as “targets” because it is easier to shoot a target than a person. It weighs the value of the lives around you, and your life is always the most valuable. 

It is an inherently self-centered philosophy.

Therefore, it is an inherently Non-Gospel ideology.

I stopped carrying a gun, in part, because I realized that I was beginning to see targets, and not human beings. People were no longer created in the image of God, to me, but instead possible opponents that might have to be put to death. It was isolating and lonely for me to see the world through such a lens. I thought I was the only real thing around, except for those few who I actually had relationships with. But that was a problem because I was not creating any new relationships because I did not know any actual people. I was just interacting with “targets.”

I finally grew too lonely.

I finally realized I was no longer human myself.

In Colossians, Paul says that the fullness of God dwelt in Christ, bodily, and that when we were raised in baptism, we were raised in Christ. I take this to mean that when we relate to one another, we are, in essence, relating directly to God as well. Maybe it is what is meant when the Quakers speak of Inner Light. But when I was trapped in an ideology that caused me to see the world as potential threats instead of as image bearers of God, I was also suppressing that same image inside myself. I was not living as I was created to live, but instead allowing myself to be captive to a philosophy created by someone else. 

It is for this very reason that I have been so vocal these last few days. It is not just the violence and death created by a culture that worships and idolizes firearms. It is not just the infection of the passion of teenagers who after surviving horror decided enough is enough. It I not just the horrible things being claimed as a part of God that have no business in God’s Church. Though, it should be noted that all of things exist and I recognize them in myself. 

My main motivation is that I believe gun culture makes us less human, and not more.

I certainly was.